At the beginning of the year, I set some goals for myself. One of them was that I was going to post one to two times a week. Up until recently, I've done pretty well with this. It's not always easy for me to find the time to do projects, photograph them, edit the photos and then blog about them. But, it's a creative process that I enjoy so I've tried to make it a priority.
Making my home projects and blogging a priority has come at a cost though because it cuts into other things in my life that are also important. One of those things has been spending time with the people that I love. My kids. My family. My friends.
My ex-husband and I split the weekend with our kids so they spend half of it with him and half of it with me. That means that one day of my weekend is dedicated to grocery shopping, bill paying, house cleaning, errand running and squeezing in a blog project. Rather impossible. So a lot of time, these chores or house projects creep into the day I'm supposed to be spending time with my kids.
So, I have to ask myself, when my kids are grown and gone, am I going to look back and wish that I had done more home projects and blogged more? Or, will I look back and wish that I had been more fully present and savored every moment with them? Will it matter so much that I made the time to paint my kitchen cabinets white, or will I wish that I had played Monopoly with my kids? Or taken them hiking, or to the park to play with Bocce, or up to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum in Santa Fe?
I do want to paint my kitchen cabinets white and there are a whole lot of other things that I'd like to do in my house. But, I don't want those things to be more important than the people in my life. My kids. My family. My friends. And, I feel like since I started my blog, my home projects have taken priority over people.
Two people that I know passed away recently. One was the mother of one of my clients. A lovely woman who was a strong advocate for her disabled son. She contacted me to let me know that she was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. I spoke with her on a Friday about what her wishes were for her son. It was one of the most difficult conversations that I've ever had because I knew that essentially, I was telling her "goodbye." In our conversation, she expressed regret about having lived in another city than her son and not having been able to be more involved with him because of it. I reassured her that she had been a good Mom to him, that she was more involved than many parents I work with, and that she had been a good advocate for him. She thanked me for telling her this. She passed away the next Monday. I was sorry that she had this sense of regret at the end of her life. It is something that I don't want to have because I have always tried to put my kids first.
Last week, my family had to say goodbye to my brother-in-law's Mother. We all knew her as "Gram". She was 92 and had been sick for some time and was in a rehab facility. She had not been able to come to family get togethers for some time and she had been missed already. Gram was a tiny woman, probably all of four feet ten inches tall and 80 pounds soaking wet. She was so tiny that she was able to wear a pair of children's sandals. You know, the kind that have lights in the soles that light up when you walk? She was as feisty as she was sweet and she lit up a room with her smile. She was kind and considerate and always remembered my children's birthdays with a card or a little gift. Gram used to read The Night Before Christmas for all the kids in our family while each of them passed around a white elephant gift whenever she read the word "and".
While Gram was in the rehab facility, I kept telling Olivia and Jacob that we needed to go and visit her. She loved kids. She also loved our dog, Bocce. I wanted to take Bocce with us to see her and thought he would cheer her up. Then, I would get busy with work, life, chores, my projects, my blog, whatever.
We never did go and visit her, which I deeply regret because I would have liked to have seen her one last time, even if she didn't remember us. I also regret not setting a better example for my kids. An example of putting people before things. People before busyness.
I know that posting irregularly isn't supposed to be good for my SEO (search engine optimization) or blog stats, yada, yada, yada. But, it's the best I can do at this time in my life, without giving it up completely, without compromising the time I have with the people I love. The kitchen cabinets will be there. They'll get painted eventually. The projects will get done eventually. I'll post about them eventually.
The people I want to appreciate right now.
So, I appreciate your understanding. I appreciate those of you who are following along and hope that you will continue to do so.